Trust Issues

I am where I am, and God will handle it for me.

I read these words on this post.  If you don't read Raina's blog, you should.  And I don't know if she knows it or not, but she gave me the words for my new mantra these days.  I hope she doesn't mind the fact that I stole it for awhile.

I haven't posted in awhile, and I had a moment of panic when I saw the number of days left on the countdown to marathon I have in the upper right-hand corner of my blog.  Does that really say 22 days?!? 

When I've considered what to post, I've had a hard time deciding the attitude I wanted to convey.  Depressed that when I went for what was supposed to be my long run of 23 miles last Saturday, I was hobbling by mile 3?  Frustration due to the fact that this is NOT where I want to be 3 weeks prior to the marathon?  Just try to be positive that it will all be OK? 

You may remember that I decided to lay off running for a week.  This was two weeks ago.  Last Friday, I attempted a short 4-mile run.  My knee was killing me by mile 2.  We had some snow the night before, and the roads were icy, so I tried to tell myself that my form wasn't right and my joints were just "cold".  I set out for my long run on Saturday.  It was supposed to be 23 miles, but I was just going to go as far as what felt right, and I was OK with that.  I started out, and it actually felt pretty good for awhile (I tried wearing a brace).  At about mile 2.5, my pesky IT band just flared out of nowhere!  I stopped and turned around for home.  In case you don't know, I can run through a lot.  As many runners can attest to, you just get used to pushing through pain.  I cannot run through this.  So.....

This past week, I became friends with:

I don't like hanging around these "friends" (well, I do like to sleep, just not when I'm supposed to be up running.)  DVD workouts are pure torture, in my mind.  (However, I do feel that some muscles were worked that I don't work while running, so maybe that's a good thing.)  I like my old friends....my Garmin, my running shoes, exercising OUTSIDE, etc.  The frustrating thing about this IT band issue is that it feels perfectly fine while doing anything but running...so I think I'm good and then bam!

Today, I have off from work, so I had some time for an attempt at a SLOW run.  I walked for about a mile to warm up, and then started to run.  I'm not going to lie....I felt some twinges all through the run, but it wasn't ever bad enough to make me stop.  I left my Garmin at home, so I have no idea as to pace or even how far I ran because I tried to run only on flat roads, which is nothing like my normal routes, so I ran a few circles here and there.  I'm guessing it was between 4 and 5 miles. 

So, that's where I am.  A friend from work who has run many marathons (her initials are P.R. - how cool would that be to have those initials as a runner?) tells me I'm OK.  I've built up a good base, I've run two 20-milers as part of training, and I have some time to heal before the marathon. 

But, of course, I have trust issues.  Do I feel entirely confident that I will be able to finish the marathon in a few weeks?  No.  Do I trust that I have built up enough base to counteract these weeks of drastically reduced mileage?  No. 

But, then I realize that when I think like that, I'm putting my trust (or lack, thereof) in the wrong place - me!  While it may sound corny, I do believe that, whatever happens, God led me to do this, and He has brought me to this point for a reason.  Maybe He's telling me to just lean on Him, and to not rely on my efforts.  Don't get me wrong...I realize that there are more important priorities in life than running a marathon.  I get that there are people who go through more extreme hardship than having doubts about finishing a race.  I understand that this is not a life or death matter.  But, I also believe that God understands our disappointment or anxiety when we've worked hard for something, and it may end up being for nothing. 

So, bottom line...will I be at the starting line for the marathon on December 4?  Yes!  Will I maybe have to throw all of my time goals out the window?  Yes!  Am I 100% confident that I will finish?  mmmmm.....maybe?  So, I just keep remembering.....

I am where I am, and God will handle it for me.

Sorry for the long, wordy post...see what happens when I don't run enough?